Today would be my dad's 51st birthday...I miss him so much it's crazy! Part, if not most of me, wishes he was still here and healthy, so I could talk to him and tell him I love him...But the other part of me knows that he's happy where he's at, he's not in anymore pain, and he knows that I love him. Despite all the fighting between him and I as I was growing up, not a day passes that I don't want to thank him for helping my mom raise me into the person I am today.

When I was in school, he pushed me to finish my work and turn it it, though I rarely did. I hated school, I said that then, but now I wish I were able to go back. When I wasn't able to graduate in 2007 for being 1 credit short, stupid I know, I went back the following school year to try again. When I had 6 months left to graduate in 2008, my parents told me that we were moving to SC because my dad got a job offer down there. I hated him for that...Why couldn't he have gotten a job here in IN? I would ask and ask why and he said it paid better down there. So, reluctantly, I moved down south. When we got there, again he pushed me to graduate, I would have still graduated in 2008 had the school I went to here and the school I went to in SC hadn't been so different with the credits. I went back, yet again, my third time being a senior in high school. You wouldn't believe how hard my dad pushed me this time. My little brother was set to graduate in 2009 and so my dad wanted me to graduate then as well. I had a few days left of my senior year, and almost didn't pass. My dad told me that I had to do a very important project for my Astronomy class or I wouldn't graduate. I didn't want to let him down again, so I buckled down and got my project done. Like I said, I only had a few more days left, I think literally 2 days. I finished my project and presented it in front of a class, not mine as most of my class was seniors and they were all gone. I finished, waited for the teacher to grade it and then he told me I had passed that class. When I told my dad that I had passed the class and that I could go home, he was happy. He came and got me from school and we went home. A few days later, I walked and got my diploma, right before my little brother. Even though he and I graduated in 2009, I still pride myself that I got to get my diploma before him. I know it's not that big of a deal, but it felt like a great accomplishment in my life. And my daddy was proud of his little "angle" (I didn't know how to correctly spell angel when I was little, I never lived it down!)

When I was told that my dad was in the hospital last year, it broke me. I didn't know what to do. He was never sick enough to be in the hospital. No one would tell me what was wrong for a few days. They knew I'd have a bad reaction to the news, I've always been that way since February 14, 2006, when my grandmother, my dad's mom, passed away and I was the first to hear the news. When they finally told me what was going on with my dad, I cried and cried. My niece and nephews did their best to try to cheer me up. When my mom told my big brother that it wasn't looking good and that we should get down there ASAP we loaded up 2 of the 4 kids, and ourselves, me, my brother and his wife, and headed for SC. 14 long hours later we arrived at the house. We had left early enough in the morning that when we got to SC we were able to go visit dad in the hospital. My mom told my brothers to hold onto me when we went into the room, in fear that I'd end up on the floor in tears. I started crying seeing my daddy hooked up to all of those machines and everything that was keeping him alive. I honestly didn't break down as bad as my mom thought til she left the room to leave me and my two brothers alone with our dad. I didn't know how to act or what to do or say except "Please, God, don't take him, don't take my daddy! I need him!" I repeated that over and over again. I went up to his side and grabbed his hand and started talking to him. I told him that I was sorry for all the hurtful things I said and did over the years and that I hoped he forgave me and that I loved him with all my heart. I begged him to come out of this and live for me. After all three of us kids had talked to him and made our peace, our mom came back in the room. She was followed by one of the nicest nurses I've ever met. That was when I learned that my dad was 94% brain dead and there was no chance that if he came out of this he'd be able to do anything for himself. There really was no chance for him to come out of the coma.

We had left back for IN the next day, after we saw him one more time and said our final goodbyes. A few days later, on July 10, 2011 we got a call saying that he was almost 100% brain dead and that our mom was going to take him off life support. That became the hardest day of my life. That day I lost the greatest father on this planet. He was taken off life support and he was able to live for a few minutes without it, but his life signs faded and he passed on. That was a year ago this coming Tuesday. I know I'm going to be a wreck that day at work.

I just wanted to share about the hardest few days of my life last year and where I'm at now. I've changed a great deal since I lost my dad. I know he's happy and looking down on me and the rest of the family. This has been the longest and hardest blog for me to write, but I needed to write it. I needed to let my emotions out and they sure came out as I was writing this. Seeing as how I cried the whole time.

I love you so much daddy! I will always be your Little Angle and Pookie! Miss you so much!

Libby